Azumanga Daioh X Classic Comedy
by GRDaluiseau
Summary: First fanfic. I love Azumanga Daioh, and this idea seemed to gel with it somehow. Anyway, the Knuckleheads, a.k.a. Bonkuras/Numbnuts pull some ideas from the olden days of comedy, and only two other students can stop them. Completed!
1. Chapter 1: The Insanity Begins

It was that time again. Yukari Tanizaki was not present in room 3-3. She'd set off to a popular game retailer during the lunch period in hopes to attain a hot new video game she'd set her sights on for a long time. While the students were awaiting her return, Tomo had her face of mischief on once again, plotting to make her sensei's day more torturous than it already was. She had a whoopy cushion hidden away in a small bag, which originally would serve as a prank towards Yomi, but she just couldn't ignore the possible reaction Yukari would have if she sat on the inflatable article of classic humor. Carefully piecing everything together as neared towards the chair behind Yukari's desk, she pulled out the already-inflated cushion and placed it gingerly on the seat. Nobody had seen her suspicious movement and rather hasty retreat back to her desk, except two students. One was the person who was easily Tomo's closest accomplice, Yomi, and the other was one people seemed to ignore and pay no attention to, Chihiro. Both knew Tomo had the brain of a 6 year-old, and today it had really shown. Being the voice of reason, Yomi attempted to catch Tomo's attention and question what she'd just done.

"What's going on here? Why do you have that look on your face?" Tomo slowly turned her head to make contact with her bespectacled classmate, "Oh, don't you worry. You'll see when Miss Yukari gets back." Chihiro leaned from her seat to get a good hearing of Tomo's plot, sighing and shaking her head slowly, "This isn't going to end well..." She sat back down and arranged the papers from her homework assignment, when all of a sudden, something caught her attention. She heard a small noise, something like a bit of air escaping a balloon. This also caught the attention of Yomi, who'd reacted quite quickly. The two put the pieces together, and eventually...

"You put a balloon on Miss Tanizaki's chair!" the schoolgirls said simultaneously. Yomi began to rise from her desk and remove the gag, but Tomo then mentioned, "Don't bother. It's superglued on there. If you tried to remove it, the fabric would tear off!" Chihiro and Yomi both sweatdropped. They knew how mad Yukari could get if something of hers was damaged. The two looked around to try and find another chair to replace the comedy-rigged seat behind their sensei's desk, but as soon as they both found something that would be an adequate replacement and motioned towards it, Yukari had returned, furious as usual. She noticed the two nigh instantly and blurted, "DON'T EVEN THINK OF TRYING TO PLAY HOOKY ON ME! SIT DOWN!" Chihiro blathered out, "Bu-but Miss Yu-Yukari, i-if you sit down on your chair, you'll-" Yukari interrupted her before she could finish, "Ohhhh! You just wanted to take my chair so you could make me even MORE miserable! Nothing doing, Chihiro! You'll never get this chair, hear me?" Yomi tried to finish, but Yukari placed herself on her chair, and...

PFFFFFFFT.

All but Tomo gasped as soon as they heard the pseudo-passing-gas noise, and when it stopped, the next thing everyone heard Tomo's manic laughter. Several groans of frustration and negative statements filled up the classroom for a brief moment, followed by a cry of sheer stress from Yukari, who'd then pulled Tomo out by her hair and whapped her senseless for God knows what number of times. As Chihiro put it, it didn't end well... at least for Tomo. Times like this made the two schoolgirls wonder if they should really try to stop her antics. One thing they knew for sure is that they both would be in for more old-timey slapstick surprises later on.


	2. Chapter 2: The Suds Thicken

The day had rolled on, and word of Tomo's whoopy cushion stint had reached the space cadet herself, Ayumu Kasuga, or as she's better known, Osaka. Such a bold move inspired her fogged mind to come up with a similar scheme. However, she wanted to claim multiple victims instead of just one. One wasn't enough for the little sadist. She remembered a time when Tomo showed up late to class and decided to hold a bucket of water for however much she could try, and it hit her-puddles of water in the middle of the halls! Nobody looked down at them, Osaka thought. It was all coming together so fast.

Swiftly, she sped into a nearby janitorial closet in search of a bucket. Inside, there was a series of large gray buckets with worn plastic handles underneath a utility sink. Thinking fast, she snatched two buckets in a heartbeat and set the water on to fill them. As the bucket filled, Osaka leered over to the right, spotting a small can of powdered soap. "Oh, _that'll_ do just nice." She smirked evilly as her eyes narrowed at the container. Having such eager for seeing pratfall after pratfall, she emptied the whole container into the buckets. In her mind, this concoction would definitely make someone lose their footing if they stepped in this stuff. As the buckets both peaked with towers of foam, the space cadet shut the water off and lugged the buckets out of the sink and into the hall.

However, Osaka didn't take one important thing into account: she could only carry so much. The buckets were separating her poor, weak shoulders, and little droplets of pain formed in her eyes. "Ah... ah can't let go..." she quietly told herself. But as much words could work, she cried out and collasped forward, taking the buckets with her and toppled the buckets. The water spilled out like she'd planned, but she also got an unwanted portion on the top part of her uniform. "Oh, no... ah gotta dry this off before someone comes by!" She bolted upright and was set to take off, but gravity was not kind to poor Osaka today. She slipped as soon as she stepped forward, with the impact so loud, it caught attention of the two main witnesses of Tomo's morning prank: Koyomi and Chihiro.

Class 3's door opened, and a pair of glasses peeked out as Yukari was tiredly blathering about her interrupted sleep. The eyes of the bespectacled schoolgirl looked down, locked on the sight of the collapsed bonkura. Chihiro curiously got behind Koyomi to see the incident herself. As she soon found out, she made the biggest facepalm she'd ever done and sighed loudly, "At least Tomo knew how to keep her distance..." Koyomi turned to face her short-haired cohort, and as much as she knew Tomo for her idiotic behavior, she nodded in agreement. She knew that Tomo at the very least, took time to plan out her mischief. Osaka just improvised her plans without any rehearsal. She turned back to face the still-fallen schoolgirl, now asleep. Carefully, she walked over and knelt down to wade her way through the small pool of soapy water and retrieve the stranded brunette.

Chihiro pulled her face out from her extended palm and gazed on at the bubbly mess in the hall, thinking with agitation and a touch of fear, "Could this stupid childish game go on any longer?" Unbeknownst to her and Koyomi, the worst of this day was just around the corner.

**Author's Note: Wow, it's been so long since I updated this story. At least now, I have better paragraphing skills, so each chapter should look much nicer and not so blocky. PS: The next prank I have in mind _WILL _bump the rating up!**


	3. Chapter 3: Now You See It, Now You Don't

Afternoon came, and Class 3's P.E. unit had gone outside for swimming. Miss Kurosawa was slightly unhappy with one particular student for goofing off last week. It was Kagura, who was also unhappy on this day. She felt Miss Kurosawa's disciplinary beliefs were far too harsh; not just for what's done to her, but what's also been done to the other students who show up late or lack the drive to perform on the same level as the higher students.

This reality made her fume up and flush her face in a bright red tone. She wanted revenge, and she wanted it to be powerful. What she had in mind was pure, unequivocal evil. About half an hour earlier, she'd taken lunch hour to snoop into Kurosawa's office and alter her teacher's new two-piece swimsuit. She'd recently found a little tidbit about unthreading a swimsuit in such a way, it would dissolve in water. It was no less than perfection. After this, surely Miss Kurosawa would get the message to ease up or ship out. It was a long, excruciating effort, but she pulled it off with just seconds to escape the office before her teacher entered.

After reflecting upon her cruel accomplishment, the grimace she donned formed into a wicked grin with teeth as sharp as razors. It caught the attention of the Wildcat, who looked at her with interest. "Oh man! She must be plotting something good!" she murmured to herself. "Tomo! Pay attention when I'm talking!" Miss Kurosawa angrily ordered, as the idiot was clearly off in her own world. "So, we'll finish today with 10 laps in the pool. If anyone doesn't swim in the breaststroke, backstroke, combat sidestroke order I assigned, you will lose credit. Got that?" The whole class soundly confirmed the command. Kagura's Cheshire Cat grin only widened. The combat sidestroke would definitely sweep the threads off her teacher's skin. As the students dove into the pool with Kurosawa included, Kagura's eyes narrowed dead on the twenty-something's body, waiting for sweet revenge.

The evil eyes of the tan-skinned brunette didn't catch anyone's attention, except for the two who'd pretty much become the rescue rangers for today, Chihiro and Koyomi. The glare sent chills down Chihiro's spine, who whispered silently to her taller companion in glasses, "What's she up to? I don't like that look on her face... is somebody going to get hurt...?" The bespectacled girl sweatdropped and replied with semi-certainty, "I don't anyone will be harmed... I hope..."

Minutes passed, and no sign of wreckage appeared on Miss Kurosawa's two-piece swimsuit. Kagura was beginning to think she got it all wrong and messed up somewhere in her plan. She was ready to leave the pool area and head back into the school, but suddenly, the waiting finally paid off. A wispy long thread was seen dangling about in the water, slowly getting more and more lengthy. The athletic schoolgirl stifled a laugh. Tears formed in her eyes. She was close to bursting in sheer hilarity. Chihiro worriedly peered over to see Kagura about to burst into a laugh fit. She looked in her general direction and saw just what she was laughing at. A wave of terror broke over Chihiro's face. She felt her whole body go cold and limp, trying not to scream. Koyomi stormed over to Kagura and pulled her in by her shoulders. "What the _hell_ did you do to Miss Kurosawa, Kagura?!" At this point, Kagura broke down into laughter so hard and loud, she lost her balance and fell on her backside.

"Oh, man! You guys can't take a joke! It's all in the name of harmless revenge, ok?" Kagura assured, but it wasn't enough to make the girl in glasses' eyes shift out of wide mode. Chihiro was just about to scream, but before she could, Miss Kurosawa arose from the water. Immediately, the whole class gasped as they saw their teacher in a way none of them had seen her, and preferred it remained that way. "Okay everyone. Hit the showers, and back to class." the teacher ordered as she wrapped a towel around her shoulders. A minute passed, and over half the class still stood stiff, gobsmacked beyond belief. Confused, Miss Kurosawa looked around her. "What's going on? What are you-?" She peered behind herself and saw a series of threads floating around in the water. "Ugh. That looks like hair in the pool. I'll have the custodian get that later. Now go on, everyone. It's gonna be bad if you're late to Tanizaki's today..."

In the showering room, Kagura was redressing, and in front stood a stern Koyomi and shaky Chihiro, staring at her like their eyes would make her combust. Kagura just laughed again and snapped, "Oh, come on! It's all over now! She didn't even seem to notice it!" As much as Koyomi wanted to give her the tongue-lashing of her life, she heard Kagura's last sentence, and halted dead in her train of thought. She's right, she thought. If it had been her in that situation, she'd without a doubt know if she lacked important swimwear anywhere on her body, especially in her nether regions. Chihiro managed to cease her shaking, and blather with several breaks in her voice, "A-at le-least Chiyo-chan wasn't here to see this..." That fact hit Kagura like a punch to the face. "Oh... jeez. I didn't think about poor Chiyo. I could have traumatized her... I really am evil, aren't I?"

Tomo swung in from behind and wrapped an arm around her fellow bonkura's neck. "Ahahahaha! Don't forget, you're also funny! I needed a good laugh after Yukari slapped me half to death! No harm was done, so don't sweat it!" Osaka looked over her shoulder and agreed, "Yeah. Ah couldn't even make my prank work. Tomo got beat by Yukari even though hers worked, but you? Miss Kurosawa didn't even notice! You completely got away with it! Ah wish ah did as good as you! Even if it was only half as good, ah'd be surprised with mahself!" The knuckleheads neared each other and formed a huddle, likely scheming for another day of torture. Koyomi and Chihiro walked away from the scene, completely shocked at how idiotic and cruel their fellow numbnuts were this day.

"I don't we can afford to let our eyes off 'em even a second anymore..." Chihiro moaned as she pinched her throbbing temple. Koyomi dryly made an affirmatory noise, obviously at a loss for words from the stunts of the idiotic knuckleheads.

Back in her office, Miss Kurosawa was finished dressing back up in her indoor attire, and just didn't get why Kagura was laughing so hard, as well as why class had ended so strangely. But at least one change was for better on this day. She certainly didn't feel confined like she usually did during a swim. "Guess that two-piece worked more wonders than I thought..." With that, she got back to Class 5, not hearing a single word of what people in P.E. saw just minutes ago.

**Author's Note: Wow. That was hard, but I pulled it off. And I know, some of you may think, "Oh, this is just perverted stuff now! This isn't even classic comedy anymore!" Well, just hold on a second, as I give you a little history lesson. The dissolving clothes prank (specifically, swimwear) has been around since the 1930's. It happened mainly on males as opposed to females, because it probably seemed more funny to see a man embarrassed than a woman. The earliest evidence of this prank happening to a woman I recall was from a 60's bikini show movie that had a title I no longer remember. I probably could have made this less risque than it is, but trust me, this decision proved to have a stronger payoff. So just go with it, mm'kay? Arrivederci!**

**~G.R. Daluiseau**


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